You’ve got an alcohol problem? You need to speak to AA, or one of the alcohol charities that offer groups and peer support. We don’t deal with that here. You’ve got other mental health problems as well alongside your drinking? Well, we can’t help you until you stop drinking anyway so there’s nothing we can do. Good luck.

You’ve got a personality disorder? You need to get yourself some therapy, we don’t do that here. You’re feeling suicidal and can’t control your emotions because you feel rejected and abandoned by services? Have a bath or listen to some music, or call the Samaritans. Just don’t contact us please, it’s not something we can help with.

You’re depressed, isolated and alone? You need to get involved in some volunteering, we don’t do that here. You’re probably depressed because you’re lonely and have no structure, but that’s not something we can help with. You’re still depressed despite having a 9-5 job, a loving family and caring spouse? Well, you’re just not trying hard enough. That’s not our problem, it’s yours.

You’re paranoid because you take too much cannabis in an attempt to self-medicate against your traumatic past? You need to get to addiction services, we don’t do that here. You’re having thoughts of harming someone because of your paranoia? Well, then we’ll call the police. Oh no, we can’t come ourselves to help you. It’s up to you to stop smoking cannabis.

You’re having flashbacks and can’t leave your house because everything reminds you of that awful incident that happened in your childhood? You need some trauma therapy, we don’t do that here. You want something to take the edge off just so you can get some sleep and relax? Stop asking us for medication, it’s only a short-term solution. The waiting list for trauma therapy is two years, good luck.

You’re having social anxiety and can’t get out of the house because you believe everyone will judge you and have subsequently become socially isolated with no one to turn to? You need some CBT, we don’t do that here. Don’t ask us how to get it, you need to take responsibility for your own health. You need help with getting food deliveries because you can’t leave the house? That’s up to your council, contact them. You can’t pick up the phone because of your anxiety? Tough.

What we can offer:

Medication if you’re psychotic or ‘severely’ depressed (according to our criteria, not yours).

Hospital if the risks become too high, you use emergency services ‘too often’ or we just don’t want to end up in the papers.

Oh, sorry, were you expecting us to actually offer you some care?